June 2, 2016 is World Eating Disorders Action Day
Let me introduce you to Ed. When I first met him I was 10 years old. He was a smooth talker, a convincing know-it-all who could woo the likes of any boy or girl that would turn an entertained ear in his direction. He was the ice cream man on a hot summer day, the small-town candy shop and the lemonade stand on every street. His aura was so confident and tantalizing that the thoughts swarming in my head became as clear as glacier water on a blue sky day. The only response to anything Ed said that made even remote sense was a solid “yes.”
What was it about this new friend that captivated my every move, invaded each and every thought from dawn till dusk and motivated all of my intention?
In the beginning, it was just him and I. We went everywhere together; walked hand in hand through every obstacle life would throw my way. He was always there, always waiting, supportive, encouraging and inspiring. Like a constant shoulder to cry on, Ed was there with open arms just waiting, waiting. It wasn’t long before he started to introduce me to all of his friends. However, the weird thing was that it almost seemed like he preferred those friends over me. The way he would talk about them, almost like he was trying to make me jealous like he wanted me to compare myself in every physical way possible. He never came right out and said it, but I always had the impression from him that I was never good enough.
It did not take long for my entire way of life to be formed around Ed’s opinions of me. He became a god I began to worship, a deity I held in reverence. I pushed away the concerned tones of family and friends who said I was following Ed around too much. What did they know? Ed chose me and not them.
I started to skip meal times to go hang out with Ed even though the pangs of hunger never stopped calling. I would rather sit at Ed’s feet and listen to what he had to say. He even started to show me some of his best-kept tricks, like spitting food into dinner napkins when you went to “wipe” your mouth or sneaking food off the table into a bag without anyone noticing. Somehow, I had been convinced that this behavior was for the best.
Ed gave me a sense of power over my life, over the things I could not control. It wasn’t even so much about Ed making me turn a blind eye to the necessary behavior to live a sustainable life. Ed became an escape, a cave in a snowstorm, an oasis in a desert for me to draw living water within myself to keep myself going. I was in charge of whether I wanted to listen to him or not, even though he was at the point of not even knocking before he entered. I started to notice over time that Ed came around more often when there was stress or strife in my life. How supportive of him to be there for me during the rough times…but then I realized that Ed disappeared in the rare few moments when I felt burdens being lifted or felt a little lighter. Why would he not stay for the moments of enjoyment, or the times I actually felt good about myself?
Ed and my relationship continued on for 10 years. A continuous cycle of comings and goings with each other, drawing close and then distancing ourselves, but he was never far, and always just a thought away. Looking back at my relationship with Ed, I can say I do not even miss him, not one bit. The true eye-opener for me was how many friends Ed actually has. He didn’t need me; just like he doesn’t need anyone else he digs his claws into. But everyone grabs a hold of Ed for different reasons. Some need a voice inside to spur them on in the ways of measuring up to the eyes of our superficial society, others need a distraction from the crashing walls of their lives and still, some are just not strong enough to shut the door to a stranger who offers honey in a promised land but will take all the wrong routes to get there.
Ed is a journey. Ed is an eating disorder. He sucks the zest out of life, out of just being, and the only way to keep Ed away is to talk. So talk.
June 2, 2016, is World Eating Disorders Action Day; if you or someone you know needs help, talk to your friends, family, physician, a counselor or visit Alberta Health Services for assistance.
by Amy Soudek
Amy was a MacEwan student who worked at the Sport and Wellness fitness desk for six years. Now she owns ONE Nutrition + Health, a company that focuses on disordered eating and health.
